BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

 

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

 

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

 

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

 

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

 

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

 

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

 

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

 

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.

 

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

 

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

 

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

 

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a REALLY BIG mistake.

 

WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.

 

CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing thru a CUBE FARM, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.

 

 

 

 

 

New Definitions for the 90's

 

 

1."COMPETITIVE SALARY": We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

2."JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY": We have no time to train you.

3."CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE": We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

4."MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED": You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

5."SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED": Some time each night and some time each weekend.

6."DUTIES WILL VARY": Anyone in the office can boss you around.

7."MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL": We have no quality control.

8."CAREER-MINDED": Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

9."APPLY IN PERSON": If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

10."NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE": We've filled the job; our call for resume is just a legal formality.

11."SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:" You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

12."PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST": You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

13."REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS": You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

14."GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS": Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

15."I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION": I've used Microsoft Office.

16."I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE": I pilfer office supplies.

18."MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES": I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

19."I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK": I blame others for my mistakes.

20."I'M PERSONABLE": I give lots of unsolicited personal advice.

22."I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL": I carry a Day-Timer.

23."I AM ADAPTABLE": I've changed jobs a lot.

24."I AM ON THE GO": I'm never at my desk.

25."I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED": The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.

 

 

* Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

* Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

* Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.

* Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

* Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

* Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

* Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

* Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

* SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

* Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

* Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

* Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

* Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

* Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

* Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

* Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

* Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

* Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."

* Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

* Chips and Salsa - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

* Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

* GOOD Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

* Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

* Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.

* Vulcan Nerve Pinch - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

* Yuppie Food Stamps - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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